No Way In Hell!
by S-o-u-n-d Showers
Summary: In which a certain Uchiha prodigy finally looses his sanity. It had to happen sooner or later. No pairings.


**D: I own nothing. Inspired by many similar stories of dirty-minded assumptions. Enjoy.**

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><p><strong>No Way In Hell!<strong>

Sasuke grumbled something incoherent, scowling darkly as he made his way through Konoha's busy streets._ Those idiots_. It was one thing for Naruto to be late, but when Sakura didn't show up for practice that afternoon, Sasuke felt he had no choice but to go look for his hopeless teammates. Still muttering in annoyance, he made his way towards Sakura's house.

Entering through an open window (the doorbell went unanswered), Sasuke straightened, casting an uninterested look at his surroundings. He was standing in what appeared to be an upstairs corridor. Several doors led of the main hall and, after brief inspection, yielded no sign of either teammates. With a long-suffering sigh, he headed for the stairs, vowing to throttle Naruto senseless the minute he found him.

Sasuke was about to call out, when he heard shuffling, and a few ominous thumps echo through the otherwise silent house. Automatically assuming the worst, Sasuke crouched by the nearest door and chanted "Katon no jutsu…" before familiar voices caused hm to pause and listen.

"Come on… Naruto," he heard Sakura's voice grunt from the other side of the door. "Just twist your body a bit, and it'll fit through."

"But it's too narrow over here!" Naruto whined. "I can't get through. If anyone's gonna move, it should be you, Sakura-chan! You've got plenty of space."

"Space!?" came the annoyed reply. "I'm pressed up against the wall, you dolt!"

The Uchiha frowned. _A wall? What on earth were they doing? _

There were three more thumps, a few grunts from both Sakura and Naruto, and the sound of clothes rubbing against a wall.

"It's way too big, Naruto." Sakura said.

"You're the one who wanted it big, Sakura-chan." Naruto replied.

"Yeah, well, it's too big; it won't fit!" Sakura shot back, sounding somewhat distressed.

_Wait… Big?_

There was more shuffling, a loud groan from Naruto, and then a heavy thump followed by a sharp gasp from Sakura.

"Ah!" she exclaimed. "That _hurts_, Naruto!"

"Sorry, Sakura-chan, but at least it finally pushed through!" Naruto breathed with a grunt.

It took all of three seconds before comprehension dawned on the eavesdropping ninja, and his face abruptly flared red. _Shit, what am I even doing here!?_

"Let's just do this (pant) already," Sakura moaned. "My hands are all (grunt) sweaty. I can't (gasp) hold on much longer."

"Stop complaining, Sakura-chan, and pull. It won't take (heavy exhale) that long if you shut up and put some muscle into it."

"But I can't!" Sakura wailed loudly, her voice an octave higher than usual. The sound of vigorous thumping and clothes rubbing against the wall, coupled with labored moans and grunts from both Naruto and Sakura filled the room again, and poor Sasuke stood rooted to the spot in horror. There was no way he was listening to his teammates having _fucking wall sex _in Sakura's—

_Thump._

"_Ow!"_ Sakura hissed. "Goddamnit, Naruto, stop doing that!"

"Sorry, but I didn't think lifting like this would be so hard!" Naruto snarled.

—or maybe he was, and just didn't want to admit it. Sasuke blanched in disgust, backing away and nearly tripping over the rug as a result. _Why in the world am I listening to this!?_

"I know! Why don't we switch positions?" Naruto suggested, his voice strained. "You can get on the bed, and I'll try doing it from the wall."

"What took you so long, idiot?" she grunted as the sounds of shifting bodies reverberated through the house once more.

"Just (pant) bend over a little more, Sakura!" Naruto gasped. "We'll have better positioning that way."

_Bend over? How?_

The heavy thumps started up again, and there was a breathy, feminine moan, followed by a sigh.

"My legs are going to be so sore tomorrow. I'll have bruises for months! _Ack— stop! _You're going way too fast!"

Heavens above, this was far too much. Sasuke swayed faintly, desperately willing his ears to fall off, and feeling ready to vomit all over Sakura's rug.

"Just (gasp) a bit harder, Sakura-chan." Naruto said, sounding exhausted. "I'm almost there!"

"M-me too (pant). C'mon, Naruto, we're so close…!"

_Oh, fuck. I am not staying for their fucking climax! _Sasuke hurried back upstairs and promptly leapt out the window, hardly bothering to mask the noises he was making. It wasn't like it could be heard over the ruckus they were making, anyways.

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><p>The next morning, Sasuke walked into the academy hall with dark bags under his eyes. The traumatized Uchiha had been kept up all night re-living the horrors of yesterday's eavesdropping.<p>

"… and Sakura finally begged me to do it with her!" Naruto yelled loudly, causing Sasuke to pale as he tried his best to tune out the conversation Naruto, Sakura, Tenten, Ino, and Shikamaru were having.

"I managed to get the top." Sakura said victoriously, looking quite pleased with herself.

Sasuke's eyes widened an infinitival amount. _How was Sakura on top? From what he heard, she was surely…_

"It was the best sleep I ever had!" The pink-haired teen finished cheerily. "Even Ino and Tenten were happy!"

"This activity you speak of… Is it some form of training? Can you show me how to do it, too?" This came from none other than Konoha's Green Beast who, upon hearing Sakura's voice, had come hurtling out of nowhere in particular.

At this, Sasuke chocked, bending over and coughing violently, attracting more than several odd looks. _Ino and Tenten were there?_

"Oh my god, you two!" he shouted, unable to ignore them a second longer. "Dont fucking _tell _people what you did yesterday!"

Sakura flushed. "You heard us, Sasuke-kun? Then why didn't you join us? We could've used your help!"

Sasuke was absolutely horrified at this point, and he ran out of the academy, screaming, "Thats _fucking _disgusting! No _way_ in hell would I do that!"

Tenten stared, appalled by the prodigy's erratic behavior. "What's _his_ problem?" she muttered, furrowing slender brows and glancing somewhat worriedly at Sasuke's rapidly retreating form.

Naruto laughed. "Who knows? But it's not like I would've needed his help or anything."

Sakura rolled her eyes, exchanging several sarcastic glances with her peers. "_Sure…_"

"What?" Naruto questioned innocently, "I was only trying to help you set up that bunk bed for your stupid sleepover!"

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><p><strong>N: You know what to do, hit that review button!<strong>


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